A Cheese An Onion Pasty Up The Nostrils

Caz has decided it's reaching the stage were I really shouldn't be allowed outside unsupervised....

I paid the Church money into the bank for her the other day and emerged feeling a tad peckish. I wandered into a Bakers Oven with the urge for a cheese and onion pasty.

I say "Please" and "Thank you" and "Excuse me" and "After you" and all sorts of things like that on a regular basis.

It is called 'good manners', 'politeness' and, in particular, 'respect'.

Now these delicacies have long been a favourite snack of mine.

I stood patiently behind an elderley chap as he was served.

An African lady in full face burkha came in and picked up a French Stick. She didn't queue behind me.



As the elderley chap turned to go she waved the French Stick at the young Asian chap behind the counter.

I said "Excuse me, I believe I am next"

She made a 'huffing' sound and continued to wave the French Stick.

"A cheese and onion pasty please" I said

The chap was putting my pasty in a bag when a Pakistani or possibly Sri Lankan chap rushed in.

He waved his arm very close to my face and said "I need change I need change", at which point I spotted a pound coin in his hand.

I had a French Stick on one side being waved under my nose by a pair of eyes.

I had a Pakistani waving his arm near my nose on the other.

All I'd wanted was a cheese and onion pasty.

The young chap behind the counter seemed to sense something was about to happen.

He probably saw me turning purple and shaking like Vesuvius shortly before eruption.

The cafe section of The Bakers Oven was crowded.

"YOU!" I said to the Pakistani / Sri Lankan, "GET THAT ARM OUT OF MY FACE. NOW!"

He continued to wave his arm in front of my face, "I need change I need change". He was actually smiling at me. He thought I was joking? He had a death wish?

"YOU!" I said to the eyes, "YOU RUDE COW! GET IN THE BLOODY QUEUE BEFORE I PUSH YOUR FRENCH STICK SOMEWHERE A FRENCH STICK SHOULD NEVER GO!"

"AND YOU!" I continued putting my face right into the Pakistani / Sri Lankans "CAN FUCK OFF NOW BEFORE I PUSH MY PASTY UP YOUR NOSE YOU IGNORANT LITTLE RAT!"

The entire cafe was watching the incident with considerable fascination - as was a Community Support Officer (aka a pretend Policeman) from the doorway.

The eyes dropped the French Stick and waddled rapidly out of the shop closely followed by the Sri Lankan / Pakistani.

Much to my amazement the cafe burst into a spontaneous round of applause. The clientele being of all races, creeds and colours.

I gave a small bow in their direction, thanked the young chap for my pasty and set off for home.

"I've so wanted to say something like that before" said the counter chap as I left with a cheery wave to him.

An average occurence in the life of Four Dinners.

How in Gods name did I make it to 52 eh?

Laters, and let's be particularly careful out there.......

.....it was an absolutely lovely pasty by the way....would have been a shame to waste it up his nose....;-)

That Cat Is A Parrot

(Maximus Spittimus has posted...again...he's stealing my thunder here...;-)...............)

I once had to bury a cat. I was about 15 years old. I'd accidentally set my parents garage on fire. The Fire Brigade arrived along with the Police. The Police decided they needed to evacuate a few houses as my dads car was in the garage and, as the garage was on fire, there was a risk of explosion.

An old lady three doors up came out in her nightdress holding her cat. The noise and commotion of the evening frightened the cat and it leapt out of her arms and dashed into the road - only to be run over by a late arriving Police car.

I was blamed for the cats demise and instructed I had to bury it for the old lady.

When I arrived at her house a couple of days later to apologise and bury the cat for her, it transpired she'd put it in the freezer. It was frozen solid.

"Couldn't you just sort of stand it up under the tree?" I asked innocently

The old lady burst into tears so I went and got my dads pick axe.

I stood in the garden holding the deceased by the tail. It stood straight up like a furry popsicle.

I hacked away for what seemed an eternity to get a hole deep and wide enough to fit the furry popsicle in.

I hit a water pipe. Water shot up into the air. I left discreetly.

The Oldham Chronicle the following day showed a picture with the article about my street flooding. The picture was of the old lady sitting in a rubber rescue dinghy holding onto her furry popsicle. She'd returned him to the freezer after I legged it.

Apparently she eventually had it stuffed and it spent many a happy hour stood on the hearth of her fire.

She also bought a parrot which annoyed the neighbours with its incessant squawking.

The neighbours, which included my parents, blamed me for the parrot disturbing them on the grounds that I was responsible for the death of her cat.

Is there anyone out there who's life has so often turned into an approximation of a Monty Python sketch?

Please tell me there is!!!

Now this little vid is over 5 minutes long but, it is 5 minutes well spent so sod the dinner burning....give it a view.....funny as fuck and always will be.....so there




I have no idea why I am writing this. Perhaps it's cathartic? Or perhaps it's the vodka...;-)

Anyroad...always look on the brightside eh?



Laters and let's be careful out there.....

MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS has posted...just so you know

WHO IS THE DRUNK PUNK?

....Or, alternatively, who is Four Dinners?

Further On suggested I was the Leg End...or was it legend?...that is Four Dinners.

I'm flattered...which makes a pleasant change from pissed....;-)

I'm me.

I'm a bloke who tries to be...er.....um...er....I dunno....me?

Anyroad. Just so yer know.

I'm me.

And it's a pleasure to know you. Whoever you are.

Haven't changed a bit eh?....;-)

Me 'n my baby.....Jax. I promised her at 1 week old I'd always be there for her. And I will....

Caz...aka The Management. Well brainy...a Microbiologist don't yer know...I'm her bit of rough....;-)

Boy was that kid good or what?.....2nd in the UK and 7th in Europe...She was destined for....oh sod it...back operation....what could have been isn't my problem and she's handled it with waaaaay more maturity than I ever could have.....

Cheers babe! We had some crackin' times around the globe eh? How the hell did I end up with a kid like you???? Either too much luck....or the Postman...;-)

Now of course I do like pussy....We've got a good crew here. Maximus Spittimus is the latest recruit. Handsome fella....daft as a brush mind you. He isn't going to be a 'tall' cat you know. He's going to be a solid squat moggy. Massive paws but he's not growing up. He's growing 'out'...bit like me really...;-)

Then there's my buddies The Old Pretenders FC.....If it wasn't for them...or to be accurate JC the Chief Executive, Four Dinners wouldn't have existed.

There you go. It's JC's fault. All of it!!!!!

'Course I'm a friendly soul at heart....My mate Martin has a place in Spain and I vaguely remember going there....lots of beer!!!!!!!

I even launched myself at three thugs trying to beat up a girl in Staines - and no I wasn't brave I was pissed - luckily a cab driver who happened to be a retired member of The Mujahadin in Afghanistan spotted the fracas and hopped out of his cab to help me....how many people get bailed out of a ruck by a retired freedom fighter from Afghanistan whilst rolling around a pavement in Staines eh?.....story of my life...;-)

My best buddy Ep isn't actually called Ep (pronounced EEP). He's called Kuldeep. Problem is his mum is white and his dad Indian - hence Kuldeep. Explaining to people how a white guy was called Kuldeep got to be a real pain. So he's Ep. Love him dearly. Mad as a hatter incidentally...I may post a tale or two about Ep sometime.....

This is my blogmate Tidy - who seems to have given up blogging lately....Along with me and Jax is the beautiful Kalilah Davison. Lead singer with American rockers Khali Celeste...also Tidy's girl....Not many peeps come all the way to England to see me eh????

Hard to believe this guy was my boss in't it? John (JohnBoy) Walton was a great boss...so not surprisingly the shits we worked for pushed him out....Apart from being a Yorkshireman (...;-)....) he's a real good egg....I also owe him several beers.....

I have no idea why young women like me....and in case Caz reads this perhaps I won't go there.....odd. If I'm a father figure they had bloody odd childhoods......

Then there's my formally estranged bestest pal from school days - now thankfully reborn as a great friendship...well...he is a millionaire now so...your round mate....;-)....I doubt he quite realises how much it means to me to be back in touch. He kept me going without even knowing it when few, if any, could have done.

Never forgotten and so chuffed to be back in touch.....

Still.....I've got my little bro Cappy aka Barnsley Sime....

A relatively new friendship but one I think is for life.

'Course there's my blogmates new and old. Cami Vog, Ole Phat Stu, Further On, Biddie, AJ, Farmer Dave, Barnze, Jessica Rabbit, Fluffy Stuffin' to name a few....(sod links...they're on't right hand side)...and not mention me adopted mum Pat from Past Imperfect........

It's a strange world in a way.

People who you would never have met you consider friends.

Nice feeling...

Then there's Jax.....

and Caz....

Thank you for keeping me (relatively) sane and human......

I think this is me.

For what it's worth.

Caz and Jax like me anyroad. I think they actually love me!....Daft as brushes....both of 'em....;-)

I'm flattered if you do like me, but as long as they do.....

I guess, ultimately, that's what counts eh?

You bet it is.

Laters 'n let's be careful out there...

....and let's have a bit of decent sounds eh?

Bowie has been there since I was a kid....Punk, Ska, Rock....whatever I was into...Bowie has always been a constant....

I touched his foot once....

But that's another story!



And HEY!!!!

I said it once...

Let's be careful out there.....

.....hic.......you guessed it....pissed again......;-)

Rock Til You Drop

Toby of the 'Rock Til You Drop' blog organises gigs for 'mature musicians' at The Libertine Pub in South East London. Borough near Southwark to be precise.

After a particularly liquid Drunk Punk show on Scooter Forums Radio on the Saturday night - no change there then - I dragged myself from my pit on the Sunday to travel on public transport. Yep. Me on public transport.

Needless to say I got completely lost as the route I'd carefully planned entailed a short trip on The Jubilee Line which was inconveniently closed for repairs. I ended up at Euston for some bizarre reason before hopping vaguely onto various tube trains before accidentally arriving at Borough Tube Station where I needed to be.

Unfortunately I had neglected to include the name of the pub or the street it was in when I hastily wrote down my travelling information on the Sunday morning.

Scratching my head and wondering how to find the place I spotted a man with a guitar so I followed him.

He occasionally glanced nervously over his shoulder as though he thought he had been mistaken for a Russian agent and an MI5 agent in a classic late 50's Parka - (that saw action in Korea I might add...there's a dried blood stain on the inner lining from its previous owner....a bit gross maybe but it IS a classic Parka!!) - was tailing him...

In the event he arrived at our destination shortly ahead of me and we shared a joke about how he thought I was a stalker. (Sorry mate. Wrong sex and not nearly attractive enough!)...;-)

Toby, who organises the gigs opened with the chap I'd been tailing on bass. Very good if a bit Leonard Cohenish for my tastes....

Next up was a chap in black that I christened Mr Angry as his songs seemed..well..sort of angry. Much more to my taste and he did a cracking version of 'Pretty In Pink'.

Then an elderley looking chap from Blackburn who seemed to have a lot of technical difficulties with his guitar and harmonica. He attempted to explain his difficulties but, having a quite broad northern accent few had a clue what he was saying. His finale of Bob Dylan's 'Times Are A Changin' was well recieved though.

Then it was time for the reason I was there at all. My bloggy mate Further On

I won't overly identify him here as it's up to individual bloggers how much they give away.

I'd chatted to him via blog and e-mail for some time - even asked his opinion of my drinking habits once for reasons I won't go into here.

He had spotted me and introduced me to his family - who were also there to cheer him on - as I got stuck into my enormous Sunday lunch - very nice too - quite apt to say "This is Four Dinners" as I shoved half a Yorkshire Pudding into my mouth..;-)

Further On prepares to have ladies underwear thrown at him...;-)

Crest of The Libertine Pub - a Sunday Lunch to die for!!!!

Strange Behaviour ended up following Further On....I wonder if that was intentional?...;-)

Very nice pub and very friendly clientele. I'll be back!!!!

I was impressed. I'm not just saying that 'cause he might read this. What ever I am I'm not a patronising git. Allright...if he had been shite I might have modified shite to quite good out of politeness but, he was bloody good.

He played some of his own compositions along with some cover versions.

I'd hoped and, maybe expected him to be pretty good but he was absolutely bloody marvellous (and the £20 quid he slipped me to say that has no relation to my opinion....honest)....;-)

His wifey and family were very welcomng, which was nice as if you sit with strangers and they ignore you it can be a bit awkward. They chatted away to me quite happily - although my beer consumption (very mild by my standards) might have made 'em wonder where he'd dragged me up from!...;-)

That was as good an afternoon as I've had in a long time.

Ta for the invite old bean - and Caz promises faithfully she'll be there in February - or before if you do one earlier. Knowing her as I obviously do (well, after 23 years it'd be a problem if I didn't eh?) she would have well enjoyed it too.

Congratulations on a terrific gig old bean and thanks again for letting me be a part of it.

Incidentally. Your bro is hoping to track down some old tapes of yours. If he does I want copies on CD and I will play em on The Drunk Punk Show....alternatively, send me cd's of your current stuff and 'you're in the show!'

I've also requested Further On learns a guitar acoustic of 'Johnny The Horse' by Madness for his next gig - just for me eh?

I reckon he'd do a cracker of this. Dunno why exactly. I just do. Trust me I'm from Oldham...;-)

Oh...and if you do this for me old bean....'he passed this way' is actually 'he was kicked to death' at the start and the finish. For some strange reason censorship made Madness change the wording for general broadcast....Just so yer know!

And yes. I know! I've put this vid up before. And? It's a cracker and, this time, it's dedicated to Further On for a great day.

Thanks bro.



Later's and let's be careful out there.....

ps...Maximus Spittimus has posted. He will scratch your eyes out if you ignore hime.....so there...;-)

Train Crash Radio

The Drunk Punk Show....Saturday 13th November @ 21:00 (that's 9 pm) UK Time.

You thought show one was a train wreck?

You've heard nowt yet!!!

Click on Homer to go to the site....then click listen....and you're there...

WARNING

You may need a strong drink or three and several days to recover....

EVERY SATURDAY....THE DRUNK PUNK SHOW...ON SCOOTER FORUMS RADIO...9 p.m. UK TIME>>>>>>

(The deity of your choice) help you all....

Laters....and let's be careful out there....

Who's Gonna Drive You Home?

Overslept.....had to get to my driving school....1st day of training.....had to be on time....

It was great. Mind you....getting there on time wasn't easy.......



laters and let's be careful out there.....